Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
