I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
