yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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