Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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