Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
