i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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