boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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