I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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