i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
