don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
