see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
