Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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