When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
