Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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