i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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