So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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