i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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