what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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