I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Randomize
