scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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