so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
