if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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