we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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