I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
