Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
