my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
