my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
