I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
