Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
