Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
