Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
