So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
