im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
