I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
