Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Randomize
