hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
