all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
