I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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