don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
