I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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