Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
