I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
