The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
