His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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