I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
