I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
