so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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