So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
