woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
