My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
